Trauma Bonds

YOU ARE NOT WEAK YOU ARE TRAUMA BONDED.……. A Trauma Bond is a strong attachment that is created between the abused and their abuser, it happens as a result of repeated abuse/violence. When someone goes back and forth between treating you nice and loving to being abusive and rejecting you, it causes you to become addicted and ‘trauma bonded’ to this person. It’s those small moments of loving attention in between the ongoing abuse that you cling to and that creates the bond, going back and forth between those moments make you crave the positive, loving attention which makes you stay throughout the abuse. The bond usually lasts longer than the relationship, leaving you craving comfort and love from the very person who hurt you. It is important to note that although I am referring to a partner, Trauma Bonds can take place in all kinds of relationships such as with friends or family members.

Signs you may be Trauma Bonded: You do everything you can to please this person but they give you nothing in return except pain, you know that they are lying and making up scenarios but you just cant seem to let go. You feel stuck and powerless in your relationship and you know your partner treats you bad but you just cant leave. Your relationship is intense and never straight forward. Your partner is full of promises that things will get better and even though they constantly let you down, you believe them. You know they are ‘sometimes’ abusive but you want to see the good in them and start to block out the bad. You have you become obsessed and addicted to having them, no matter how badly they are treating you. You have forgotten your own self worth and have lowered your standards for this person, to the point you have lost or you are losing your self. You constantly feel burned out and drained of all energy and yet you defend your relationship and partner against anyone who criticises or passes judgement on it. You have tried to leave the relationship but you when you do you feel physically ill and you feel like you cant live without them. This is not a complete list, but it is the obvious signs that you are in a toxic relationship and may be trauma bonded to this person.

You CAN break free and recover: Although it is not always easy, it is very possible to break free and recover. Firstly, stop blaming yourself, you weren’t stupid, you weren’t weak and you didn’t deserve to be treated this way. You were lied to and manipulated and believe me this person knew exactly what they were doing. Secondly, you need to understand that this person does NOT love you, you do not treat someone you love the way they are treating you. You need to look at the facts and accept the reality, that this person is being abusive/violent to you and that it is not acceptable and believe me, no matter what they tell you or how much they put you down.

…………………………………….YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER………………………………………….

Breaking trauma bonds and getting over an abusive/toxic relationship isn’t by any means easy but it is so worth it. Invest in yourself, replace the love you had for them with loving yourself. Remind yourself every day that you were not to blame, let go of the bonds and start to rebuild your life. Check out my article on ‘Getting over you ex… The no contact rule explained’ for more information on breaking this ‘addiction’ you have to your ex.

The thing to remember is that knowledge is power, now you know or have experienced the signs, you know what ‘red flags’ to look for in any relationship. Take your time in getting to know someone, find out their past and identify controlling or abusive behaviours. Don’t turn a blind eye or make excuses if something doesn’t feel right.

Remember, time is not a healer, what you do with your time, is.