In these current times of internet dating, more and more people are getting ‘ghosted’. This article will look at exactly what ghosting is and why it hurts you so much. Lets start with a definition of the term ghosting; “the practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person without explanation, especially in a romantic relationship.”

If you’ve been chatting to someone online or perhaps you’ve been on a date and you think everything is going great but all of a sudden, usually without any warning, you don’t hear from them again. No calls, no texts, no replies, nothing. You have been ghosted. Now, ghosting isn’t new, for many, many years people have disappeared from relationships, friendships or walked out on their family, without an explanation for those left behind. However, it has become more common in today’s dating society.

There are many different reasons/excuses why someone may have ghosted you, but the truth is, it is a method of avoidance. Their reasoning could be that it is early days in messaging or even dating and in the ‘ghosters’ opinion, it’s not quite serious enough to justify a proper break-up. But it can happen in longer term relationships/friendships, in these cases perhaps the confrontation of a proper break-up was seen as too difficult for them. It is so easy to block or ignore someone these days on mobile phones or social media platforms.

There is no denying that ghosting can hurt, but why does it hurt so much when in many cases you didn’t really know the person very well. Well, the simple answer is that ghosting is rejection and rejection hurts, no matter how level headed you are. But, if you have been rejected in the past or have low self esteem then it is going to affect you even more. When someone is ghosted they often blame themselves, they go over their own behaviour, reread all the texts they sent or overthink the entire date, wondering where they went wrong. But the truth is, ghosting says more about the person who is doing it than it does about you. So stop blaming yourself!

If it happens to you, stay calm, accept it for what it is and do not lower yourself to send any pleading or angry messages to the person for an explanation. Lets be honest, if someone can ignore you in this way, then they are not the kind of person you would want to have in your life anyway, they have no respect for your feelings and you deserve so much better.

If your date or friend doesn’t see how amazing you are then that is their loss. You get up and you go again. If it really hurts and you feel broken by it, then take the time to look inwards and ask yourself why, identify that you might need to do some work on yourself to build up your confidence and self esteem.

RRR are experts in relationships and recovery, if you need help we are only ever a message away. You can contact me directly on 07715 397 942.

The Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018 is applicable to all domestic abuse cases from April 2019. This new law redefined domestic abuse cases and now acknowledges domestic abuse as a crime, it also includes coercive control as an abusive behaviour and therefore is now a criminal offence. Prior to this, the law only focused on the physical violence so this was a huge step in the right direction for those suffering psychological and emotional manipulation at the hands of their partner. This law now recognises that abusive behaviour doesn’t need to be physical for it to be domestic abuse. It is also completely gender neutral and applies to any two individuals who are in a relationship, wither they live together or not.

What is abusive behaviour? Abusive behaviour is any threatening, intimidating or violent behaviour directed to a partner or ex-partner. This law looks at the effects the behaviour has had to the persons physical and mental health.

What is coercive control? Coercive control is quite simply about manipulation and control, it is a repeated amount of intimation, humiliation and abuse which leads to the person who is being abused doubting their own thoughts, feelings and even their own sanity. It can include isolating you from your family and friends, calling you names, putting you down or constantly checking up on your every move. The abuser wants to control what you do, who you talk to and even what you wear. Now please remember it is not always as obvious as telling you directly you can’t go out with your friend or you can’t wear certain clothes, they will usually manipulate you so that you are the one saying you won’t go out or you will change what you wear just to avoid upsetting them or an argument.

This law also takes into consideration the impact domestic abuse has on children, so if a child(ren) are present at any point of the abuse (even if the child(ren) is not harmed) this will automatically make the offence worse and can result in a longer sentence for the abuser.

In addition to this, if someone is found guilty of domestic abuse, the courts have to consider a Non-Harassment Order to help protect and prevent against further abuse. An NHO would detail conditions to stop the abuser from approaching or contacting the survivor. If they break the order set by the courts, then they could face up to 5 years in prison.

This change in law has been welcomed by all domestic abuse services across Scotland. Justice Secretary Humza Yousaf said “The Domestic Abuse Act makes absolutely clear that coercive and controlling behaviour is domestic abuse and a crime. I am proud Scotland is leading the way with this groundbreaking legislation, which uniquely recognises the effect of domestic abuse on child victims as well as adults.

The main focus of this article is to educate you, so you know that coercive control is, you know it is abusive and illegal and you don’t wait for physical violence before classing it as domestic abuse. For more information on what signs to look out for, please refer to my other blog on the Top Signs of Domestic Abuse.

People will usually check out of relationship on an emotional level long before they do on a physical level, what this basically means is that their heart is no longer in it. It may be your partner or indeed yourself who has checked out and you might find yourself making excuses or turning a blind eye to the obvious signs in the hope that its just a phase. But its important to recognise the signs so that you can communicate these to your partner. There is no point remaining in a relationship that is one-sided. So lets take a look at some signs and what to look out for.

Lack of interest: Firstly, a clear sign your partner has emotionally checked out of the relationship is if they lack interest in you. Did they used to ask you how your day went but now they don’t? Or when you asked your partner how their day went, you used to get a step by step run down of what happened, but now they just say fine.

Lack of passion: Pay attention to how your partner kisses you, has the passion gone or is there any real intimacy between you now? Remember, intimacy goes beyond the physical and is an emotional connection, so if the intimacy is gone then its likely that the emotional connection has as well. You should not feel lonely when your partner is around.

Are you still a priority?: Does your partner prioritise other things over your relationship? Do they take longer to respond to your messages, compared to normal. Or are you the one who always seems to be starting the conversation nowadays? Pay attention to their behaviour, are they more interested in chatting to friends and not full invested in the time you have together.

Lack of communication: Communication is so important in any relationship, so have you tried to talk to your partner about your concerns but they fob you off. Or do they try to change the subject when you want to talk about the relationship or your future together.

Your partners attitude: Have you noticed a change in your partners mood, are they always in a bad mood or do they start arguments with you out of nothing and then blame you? This one can involve all of the points above, as they all build the bigger picture of your partners overall attitude.

Now like I said at the start it is important to recognise these signs so you can speak to your partner about them. It may be that either one of you have become complacent and are taking each other for granted, if this is the case and you both put the effort in then there is no reason the relationship cannot be rekindled. Communication really is key in this case to enable you both to identify what needs done and work towards it, together.

However, if you resonate with any of the signs above and your partner is unwilling to discuss or fix these issues then you need to let go because you deserve so much better.

RRR are experts in relationships and if your relationship needs help we are only ever a message away. You can contact me directly on 07715 397 942.

Clare’s Law gives anyone, both men and women, the right to ask the police if they have concerns that their partner is a risk to them. Enquiries can also made on behalf of a friend or family member. This service is to help provide people with the information they need to escape an abusive situation early on.

Why was the law introduced: Clare Wood was murdered in 2009 by her partner and her father argued and petitioned for this law. He believed that if his daughter had known about her partners long history for violence and various domestic assaults on previous partners then she would not have stayed in a relationship with him and therefore her death could have been avoided. This law was passed in 2015.

Who can request information: If you are in a relationship with someone and you are concerned about their behaviour, then you can contact the police and request the disclosure to be carried out. For example, given the current situation, you may find tensions are rising in the home and some cracks may be beginning to appear, perhaps you are seeing sides to you partner that you haven’t seen before. Or it could be, that you are in a reasonably new relationship which, due to lockdown, has moved quicker than you had planned, you may have moved in together, temporarily throughout this time but are now beginning to see behaviours that worry you. Similarly, if you have a close friend or family member and you have concerns about their safety as you have seen their behaviour change since being in a relationship then you can also use this service and request a disclosure be carried out.

How to make an application: The process if quite simple, you can go onto the Police Scotland website and complete the online form, call 101 or present at any Police Station. Officers will talk you through through the process and take basic details such as your name, address and DOB and a note of your concerns. The Police work with other agencies, such as the Prison Service and Social Work and gather a full picture of the situation and the individual the application has been made against.

What happens next? It is the above authorities who decide if they wish to disclose any information. They will only disclose this information if it is deemed necessary and lawful, in order to protect someone from their partner and prevent further crime. If there has been any previous violence or domestic abuse charges then the information will be disclosed and the police will refer the individual who is at risk onto the relevant agencies, such as Women’s Aid, who will help create a safety plan to leave.

There are thousands of applications made every year to this service and it is proving to work in assisting in the battle to help reduce domestic violence. However, it is not without flaws, as not all abusers have a recorded history of domestic abuse. Even if there is no history and therefore nothing to disclose, the police may refer you onto a domestic abuse charity, as they can support you through the concerns you have about your partners behaviour.

The lockdown is stressful for lots of relationships, but please do not allow anyone to use the circumstances as an excuse to disrespect you, put you down, control you or be violent towards you. And remember, not all domestic abuse is violence, check out my article on ‘Signs of Domestic Abuse’ for further signs to look out for. Information is power so use this time and these articles to educate yourself in services available to you.

It is also important to note that applications to this service can take up to 45 days to complete so if you are concerned for you own or a family/friends safety, please contact Scottish Women’s Aid on 0800 027 1234 or 999 in an emergency.

YOU ARE NOT WEAK YOU ARE TRAUMA BONDED.……. A Trauma Bond is a strong attachment that is created between the abused and their abuser, it happens as a result of repeated abuse/violence. When someone goes back and forth between treating you nice and loving to being abusive and rejecting you, it causes you to become addicted and ‘trauma bonded’ to this person. It’s those small moments of loving attention in between the ongoing abuse that you cling to and that creates the bond, going back and forth between those moments make you crave the positive, loving attention which makes you stay throughout the abuse. The bond usually lasts longer than the relationship, leaving you craving comfort and love from the very person who hurt you. It is important to note that although I am referring to a partner, Trauma Bonds can take place in all kinds of relationships such as with friends or family members.

Signs you may be Trauma Bonded: You do everything you can to please this person but they give you nothing in return except pain, you know that they are lying and making up scenarios but you just cant seem to let go. You feel stuck and powerless in your relationship and you know your partner treats you bad but you just cant leave. Your relationship is intense and never straight forward. Your partner is full of promises that things will get better and even though they constantly let you down, you believe them. You know they are ‘sometimes’ abusive but you want to see the good in them and start to block out the bad. You have you become obsessed and addicted to having them, no matter how badly they are treating you. You have forgotten your own self worth and have lowered your standards for this person, to the point you have lost or you are losing your self. You constantly feel burned out and drained of all energy and yet you defend your relationship and partner against anyone who criticises or passes judgement on it. You have tried to leave the relationship but you when you do you feel physically ill and you feel like you cant live without them. This is not a complete list, but it is the obvious signs that you are in a toxic relationship and may be trauma bonded to this person.

You CAN break free and recover: Although it is not always easy, it is very possible to break free and recover. Firstly, stop blaming yourself, you weren’t stupid, you weren’t weak and you didn’t deserve to be treated this way. You were lied to and manipulated and believe me this person knew exactly what they were doing. Secondly, you need to understand that this person does NOT love you, you do not treat someone you love the way they are treating you. You need to look at the facts and accept the reality, that this person is being abusive/violent to you and that it is not acceptable and believe me, no matter what they tell you or how much they put you down.

…………………………………….YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER………………………………………….

Breaking trauma bonds and getting over an abusive/toxic relationship isn’t by any means easy but it is so worth it. Invest in yourself, replace the love you had for them with loving yourself. Remind yourself every day that you were not to blame, let go of the bonds and start to rebuild your life. Check out my article on ‘Getting over you ex… The no contact rule explained’ for more information on breaking this ‘addiction’ you have to your ex.

The thing to remember is that knowledge is power, now you know or have experienced the signs, you know what ‘red flags’ to look for in any relationship. Take your time in getting to know someone, find out their past and identify controlling or abusive behaviours. Don’t turn a blind eye or make excuses if something doesn’t feel right.

Remember, time is not a healer, what you do with your time, is.

In life, we are constantly surrounded by negativity, when we switch on the news or when we are checking social media, there is seldom good news being reported. We live in a time where we are always looking at the things we don’t have instead of stopping and noticing the things we do have and being grateful for them. So this article is going to focus on some of the positives about being in a relationship at this time.

Emotional Support: Lets face it, most people are feeling the stress of the unknown right now, be it employment or money worries, missing your family or just missing your normal life. One of the best parts of being in a relationship, is having someone who will support you through difficult times like these. Even if you find yourselves bickering more as a result of the lockdown, you still have that love and support and someone to turn to, someone you can rely on to share your worries and who listens to you and reassures you that in time, everything is going to be OK.

Quality Time: We all live such a fast paced life nowadays and often relationships can feel the strain of not having enough quality time together, it may be due to work or family commitments, whatever the reason may be, life can often get in the way. But for now, most things have come to a standstill, so we really have been given the gift of time. Even if your loved one is a key worker and still out to work, you will notice you have more time with them when they return. This is a great opportunity to reconnect and really enjoy the quality time within your relationships.

Intimacy: Again, this is such an important part of a relationship and goes beyond physical intimacy. It is an emotional connection which is developed over time through truly getting to know your partner. This current situation we have found ourselves in now is the perfect time to rekindle the intimacy in your relationship, which can often get put on the back burner.

So yes, while it is completely normal to have some added stress and worry in this pandemic, those who are in a loving relationship will feel the benefit that our situation allows. Having more time with your partner will help enhance your relationship, you have someone who you love and who loves you. Feel the benefits of having the above with your partner, have some fun and enjoy each others company and take your mind of the day to day stresses that you may be feeling in these uncertain times. Be grateful that we have been given the gift of time and have someone special to share this experience with.

RRR are experts in relationships and if your relationship needs help we are only ever a message away. You can contact me directly on 07715 397 942.

Have a great day!

We have all loved and lost and it can sometimes be difficult to move on, especially when it has been your decision or actions that lead to the end of the relationship. Around 80% of people wish they had held on to or made more of an effort in the relationship that they so freely gave up on or pushed away. We have so much more time on our hands in this current situation and you may find yourself constantly thinking about this person or how things could be different. Whatever, you are thinking now, you need to remember that you left the relationship for a reason and whatever that reason may have been, it is done now. So…. how do you move on from it and how do you recover? We don’t really ever forget the moments and the happiness you once shared with a loved one because as Alfred Lord Tennyson once said “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  and just because we move on it doesn’t mean that you don’t still have a place in your heart for them. How many times have we all read and seen articles of lost loves getting back in touch after years apart and living in different places? So, the simple message is, if that’s what is meant to be, then it will be. But for now, let’s look at how we can get you up and running and moving forward because waiting on a call or message from someone is draining and often pointless and as sometimes, it just never comes. So lets take a look at how we do this.

Firstly, Don’t Dwell:  When a relationship ends, it’s easy to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. And don’t get me wrong, it’s good to look at the relationship on a whole and take the lessons you’ve learned from it, as that will help you with future relationships. But there is no point going over and over every little detail, you can’t change anything by doing this, all it does is cause you more suffering. Focus on the good things you currently have in your life, like the family and friends who are there for you, (even though you can’t see them face to face, you can still have videos calls or messages to keep connected). It might also help to share with someone what went on and how you behaved and handled things, talking it through with someone you trust can help us see what we can learn from it. And remember the past cannot be changed, no matter how much we want it to, all you have now is today and this moment, so put all your energy and focus into that. We have to let the past go and believe if it is truly meant for us, it will come back to us.

Forgive yourself:  OK, so we are not perfect, you have got it wrong, you have messed it up and you may have said something and hurt people who loved you and you them. But you need to forgive yourself, we are only human and life and relationships don’t come with a manual, you cant always get it right and you will mess it up at some point. I promise it’s OK to get it wrong, what is not OK is to punish yourself for it, day after day. This is the perfect time for you; learn from the mistakes that were made and let them help you grow and strengthen you as an individual.

Don’t think about your time as lost:   So many things you may have done, an amazing holidays, laughter at the strangest moments, tears when you least expected it are moments that will live with you forever.  All these things and many more have allowed you to live and experience true love no matter how short it may have been. Love can last a day or a decade, once experienced for the pureness that it is, then it can never have been a wasted journey. Just because you’re not with that person anymore doesn’t mean that the whole relationship was wasted and you lost 9 months or 9 years, it is all irrelevant the very fact you felt it and had it for however long meant it was a worth while journey.

Reach out: Remember the title here is, Lost love; Letting Go and Moving On, and in some cases for that to happen, you need to reach out and set the record straight, admit the mistakes on your part and let them know your regrets and apologise for anything you might have done that caused this relationship to finish. It is really important you only do this when you’re ready and you have forgiven yourself for your part. You need to be able to move on with a clean slate and that can only be done when you apologise for what happened. Now don’t be upset when they have also moved on and started fresh in life, remember, it was you that wanted this and if you do still love them, understand that it’s OK to wish and want for them everything they deserve, just because you couldn’t deliver it doesn’t mean someone else can’t, so do the right thing. The pain you feel is normal so just embrace it and remember we all learn from our mistakes.

Letting Go Is a Work in Progress:  You have loved and you have lost, yet here we are still standing, still breathing and still walking. Life won’t crumble because you still hold love in your heart for someone. Life won’t give up on you because you made mistakes and lost someone you love. Life goes on and the world still turns and it always has been and always will be that way. You are a work in progress as long as you learn from your mistakes and don’t let them sculpt your future. It’s not all bad and remember if you do truly love someone then it’s OK to let them go and move on. Just because we move on, doesn’t mean to say we ever forget them or what they taught us.

Remember, time isn’t a healer, what you do with your time is. Have a great day!

So….. as we enter the forth week of lockdown, with no end in sight, pressure in the home is increasing and everything is becoming more intense. Don’t panic, it is completely natural to feel more stressed and irritable than usual, the lockdown situation is putting strain on most relationships, in one way or another. Before this was implemented, you and your partner both had your own time and space, be it at work, with friends or the gym or whatever hobbies you may have had. Then you would come home and have a couple of hours together time. However, now you are both confined in the house and forced to spend more time together than ever before. And lets face it, it is very easy to become annoyed and stressed when you are not used to spending so much time with someone. Remember, although, I refer to your partner, this is relevant and can be applied to all relationships, with whoever you share your home with, inc flatmates.

Communication: This is a new and challenging situation for everyone, even as individuals, the loss of routine, feeling stressed about work, money and everything else around you that you don’t have any control over. It is important to communicate now more than ever to your partner, don’t assume they are feeling the same about this situation as you, we all deal with things differently and that’s OK. When talking to you partner express your own feelings, take ownership of how you feel, for example say ‘I feel’ not ‘you make me feel’ blaming your partner will not get you anywhere. Although it is normal to expect tension at this time, it is not an excuse to start casting up other ongoing issues within the relationship, choose your battles wisely and don’t argue over every little thing.

Create Space: It is important to create space, even though you may feel like you have none. Regardless of your situation at home you need breathing space to spend some time on your own, it may be the garden, your bedroom or even soaking in the bath. Wherever you can make space within your home, allow yourself some ‘you time’ for at least 30 minutes each day, use the time to reflect, to meditate, read, do whatever you wish to help you relax. This will help mange your stress.

Working from Home: If your working from home, try to set up an something so you have a designated working area, granted this may be difficult depending on the size of your home etc but it is important to try and keep as much separation between your work space and home life as you can. Discuss this with your partner so there are boundaries to this area when you are working, which will allow you to get on with what you need to and then come together for breaks or in the evenings. You must try and keep a routine as best you can, get up, get dressed, have tea breaks etc. Even though you are spending all day together, you still need to have intimacy, so make time for date night or quality time, find a common interest or even a new Netflix show you can both enjoy.

Do you have children? If you do and they are now at home, again it is important to establish a routine, children work better to a routine. So, get up, get dressed and do some sort of exercise. If you can, use this time to reconnect, teach them basics, cooking, arts and crafts, play games, its an opportunity to spend some quality time with them. Everyone had mixed opinions on the home schooling, my advice would be do what you feel most comfortable with, there is no point stressing you or your child(ren) out during this time. So do as much as you can, remember you are not a teacher and no one is expecting you to be. This is a confusing time for children and they are watching how you cope with it. So give them fond memories to look back on.

Do you live apart from your partner? If you and your partner are not staying together, it is understandable that you will be missing them, however, we are so lucky to live in a time where we have the technology which allows us to be in contact with our loved ones every day using text and video calling. Still set time for each other, Facetime, Whatapp or Zoom are all apps that allow you to still see your partner, have a virtual date. OK, so its not ideal, however, we are all trying to make the best out of this situation so for the time being it is better than nothing. Remember this is not going to last forever, you will be able to see your loved ones again.

It is strange times and family dynamics have undoubtedly changed, but if you can, then try and use this to reconnect and create happier relationships, treat those around you and yourself with kindness and compassion and be grateful for the small things.

Domestic Abuse by law is described by any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse…… It can include, but is not limited to; physical, emotional & psychological, sexual and financial abuse.

There are many signs of domestic abuse which often go unnoticed. The obvious bruises or physical marks are the easiest to identify but can also be the easiest to hide. Other signs can be a friend regularly making excuses not to attend a day/night out or a sudden loss of interest in a hobby or activity. Changes in behaviour or a change to the clothes they wear, can be small to begin with but over time they can completely change the person. It is often a combination of the above changes that can cause concern and raise flags to those around you. Domestic abuse can vary in every relationship but in every case it has severe effects on both your physically and mental health.

Before we start it is important to remember that Domestic Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of your age, gender, educational, financial or social status. There is no ‘typical abuse victim’ and many people who find themselves in this position think it would never happen to them. There is often a shame attached to it, which is one of the many reasons why those being abused try to hide it.

Signs of Physical Abuse: If someone is being physically abused they will have bruises, marks or even scars depending on how long they have been subjected to the abuse. These may include, but are not limited to a burst lip, black eyes and bruising or marks around the neck or arms. It is common for those affected to try and cover up and hide these bruises/marks. For example you may notice them wearing sunglasses on a dull day or jumpers and scarfs in the warm weather or even wearing more make up than usual.

Signs of Emotional Abuse: Firstly, I want to make it very clear that emotional abuse is STILL domestic abuse, don’t think because there are no bruises that this is OK. Emotional abuse is often harder to recover from, broken bones heal, bruises fade but the mental scars can stay with you longer. Those being abused are often on edge, worried they do or say something wrong, often they will suffer from low self esteem, a lack of confidence, depression or anxiety. Again, the list could go on but these are the most common signs of emotional domestic abuse. Emotional abuse also includes verbal abuse, blaming, shaming, name calling or intimating and controlling behaviour.

Changes in Behaviour: If you know someone who was once outgoing, carefree or the life and soul of the party, or even someone who was happy but now they are withdrawn and quiet. They may have dropped out of their usual activities, cancel on their circle of friends, or even become very defensive about their private life. Those being abused will gradually be isolated from their family and friends and often it is done in a very subtle way that they don’t even realise. They may also become withdrawn and very apologetic.

Living with Fear: With domestic abuse there is always an element of fear, that is what makes it domestic abuse. The level of fear is varied in every relationship and many become good at hiding the fear to a degree or making excuses for it. Especially, if they are in denial or are minimising what is happening. As the abuse progresses the person being abused is in constant fear as even when they are not with their abuser they are fearful and anxious of what the abuser is thinking and what they are going home to, there if no getting away it.

Controlling and Coercive Behaviours: Domestic abuse is not about violence, it is about control and manipulation. The abuser will twist everything and make the person being abused doubt their own mind. Many abusers wont directly stop their partner going out, they will cause a scene or make such an issue about it every time so that it is just easier for the abused to not go on a night out or not to be in certain situations that will prompt accusations or an argument. Those being abused may refer to their partner as jealous or possessive and may have their partner constantly calling or texting to check up on them, check where they are or who they are with. More severe signs of control would be not having access to finances or to the car. The abusers intention is to isolate and make the abused dependant on them, so when the control increases and gets worse, they have no one to turn to.

PLEASE NOTE: The above signs are only a few warnings that you or someone you may know could be in a domestic abusive relationship. If you are concerned for your own safety or your family/friends safety, please contact Scottish Women’s Aid on 0800 027 1234.

Often we can feel drained or stuck and we just accept that’s what life is, but why do we accept a situation that makes us unhappy? If we don’t feel well, we go to the doctors, even our cars have regular MOTs to ensure they are running safely, so why don’t we do the same with our relationships? A relationship health check will allow you to look at actions, thoughts and feelings that arise and ensure we are still in a happy environment and it is going in the direction you want.

Below are a few key points that you should be looking at or asking yourself when you do a relationship health check.

Is there trust? Is there still trust in the relationship? Or if it’s been broken, can it be regained? Trust is like a glass and once broken it can be repaired but the cracks will remain. If either party has committed adultery then no matter how much you want to, how understanding you are and how great the love you have for someone is, you will never be able to fully trust them again. When they get a text, are they hiding their phone to read it? Or do they have a password on their phone and always sit it face down? Do you wonder where they are on a night out or who they are talking to, are you checking their Facebook page to see who commented or liked a post. If you answer yes to any of those points then the trust is gone and have to then ask yourself are you really happy living like this or is it time to go?

How do you feel in their company? Do you feel tired and drained when your in their company too long? Do you hate the thought of long drawn out conversations? Do they make you feel down after talking to them or spending time with them? These are all key indicators of where this relationship is headed in the future and again we must look inwards and ask ourselves if you are happy to accept this life or should we step up and change it. If the relationship exhausts you emotionally then it is time for a change.

Have you become complacent? Now this can be fixed with good clear open lines of communication and sitting down with each other and talk it out,  however after doing this time and time again we have to get to a point in life where you ask yourself are they really going to change because they just revert back to normal after a while. The key here is the first conversation about it. They must listen, show interest and show they understand and want to resolve the issue. If they are sitting watching TV or on their phone while your trying to discuss this, then that should tell you how much they value the relationship and I for one don’t believe anyone should be in a relationship and be undervalued or taken for granted. Love is such a beautiful emotion to have and to feel and once you have experienced it properly it should never be taken for granted and if they love you truly they won’t. No one deserves to be in a relationship that doesn’t enhance them every day.

Have you changed your core values for this person? We all have our own morals and values in life, what we believe and what we will and won’t accept. Have you changed them to suit your partner because they don’t have the same set of values or outlook? Have you changed as a person when there was nothing wrong with the person you were before? Have you lost family and friends because of this? Again this is wrong and not how good solid relationships work. Your partner should love and trust you as you want to love and trust them. They should be helping you, encouraging you to go out and achieve your goals and help you grow and thrive in every area of your life. That’s what love does, it opens you up to not think about yourself each and every day but to think of them and want the best for them. Enjoy your good times and support your bad. It shouldn’t be you making changes in life to please them and to suit their needs. Yes, relationships are about compromise at times but you should never have compromise who you are. Again I have to stress the importance of this, this is not how you should be living your life.

Do their actions match their words? I love you is the easiest thing in the world to say but one of the hardest things to consistently show. A bunch of flowers or a card on your birthday or valentines day doesn’t count. Grand gestures can also be meaningless. Look at the actions of the person day to day and the most important part of this point is; do you feel loved? Again, how do they talk with you, how do they look at you, how do they react when the hard times come along and we all get them. If someone loves you, they will think about your needs and wants before their own and they will not only tell you but also show you each and every day that they are very much in love and grateful you are in their life.

Is there physical intimacy? Are you still physically attracted to your partner? Do you still get goose bumps thinking about them, holding them, having lazy Sundays in bed just watching Netflix and embracing the love and emotions with each other? OK, life plays its part and day to day life can be a toil at times with work, children, stress, worry we all have it but no matter what’s going on in life but you should still have the desire and love for each other no matter what. If your setting dates and times and wishing it over before it begins or making excuses not to be physical with your partner anymore then it really is time you took a long hard look at the relationship. Sex is not the b all and end all of a relationship but it is important and for some more than others.

Do you still have all of the above and your partner doesn’t? It’s the same outcome and that’s not what a loving happy relationship is about. Now some of the points can be dealt with by sitting down being open and honest and having a good old heart to heart, however, if you resonate with most of these points I would suggest you already know what the next step is. You deserve everything good in life and relationships and if you don’t have it and are accepting less than you deserve due to fear or lack of understanding you really are missing out on your best life.

Remember, time isn’t a healer, what you do with your time is. Have a great day!