First of all let me just start by saying, this isn’t an easy thing to do. No matter how well prepared you think you are or how over it you think you may be, if there is still an element of love and compassion inside you this is going to hurt like hell regardless that you are the one walking away. So let’s buckle up and look at the steps we need to take and how we need to look at this in order for us to do it with dignity, grace, self-respect and most importantly with our sanity intact. The choice is already made: When someone decides to leave a relationship 9 times out of 10 it isn’t a spur of the moment thing. You have already left emotionally and you are just waiting now to do the hard part and come out with it and walk away. This has already been decided and you may or may not talk yourself out of it for a while but eventually, your feelings and emotions are going to take over and you are left with two choices, walk or stay. Now this part is really simple, do you keep up the false pretence and keep pulling and dragging our own feelings and emotions down to the point you start to become depressed, sad, lonely, lost, confused or do you put our self and your loved ones first and secure a happy bright future for all involved. Remember this article is for you and to make you do the right thing, I fully understand it is never nice to walk away from someone who may or may not be in love with you but we have to put our feelings and emotions first to ensure we have long term happiness. Remember the only person who can control your happiness is you and at this point we need to do what’s right and not worry or over think the feelings and thoughts of the other party. We are at this point in the relationship for a reason, remember that.

Pick your moment:  Not everything is black and white and some people react worse than others. You have to be prepared mentally for what’s coming from the other party. Some people will say nothing and simply accept it as they knew it was coming. Some people will get angry and shout and smash things and others will simply cry and beg you for a second chance. Everyone is different and you will know what kind of person your partner is. For me, I knew that I couldn’t risk any backlash from my partner, he had initially given me the silent treatment and blocked me, expecting me to be there when he came out his huff, however, I had made the decision it was over and explained this to him over the phone, his previous actions within the relationship and his reaction this time, confirmed I was right to deal with it in this way. You need to judge what their reaction and temperament will be in this situation and if it could turn nasty or get violent I am telling you do not do a face to face, wait until it is safe and walk. Never walk away in the middle of an argument, people are unpredictable in these situations due to emotions and fear and again you are putting yourself at risk. If they are unhappy and you see it then a face to face with mutual understanding can be done. As adults, we like to think everyone is capable of this option but in reality, we are not. Don’t put it off and off and off waiting for the perfect moment, this is you walking away from someone, there is no perfect moment for this.

Stay strong stay focused:  Let’s be honest you will have thought through what you are going to say time and time again, this isn’t a spur of the moment decision. So, with that in mind, it is important to say what needs to be said, keep focused on why we are doing this and make it as short and sharp as possible. Regardless of why the relationship broke down the other party is going to be hurt, in shock and confused, you have made the choice, you have stated why and you haven’t gone out your way to hurt or belittle them. Hours of them trying to talk you round and begging and pleading, pulling on your heart strings won’t change your feelings or thoughts. Do not let them emotionally blackmail you or try to force you to keep going through guilt this is only going to make it worse in the long run.

Have your plan in place:  Again, you have sat down and asked yourself a million questions and you have still come up with the same answer. So, stop focusing on what you already know and focus on your fall-back plan. If you live with each other who is moving out? If you are, where are you going? Do you have a family to support you? Do you have children’s needs you need to put first, finances, travel, family, education, work, you need to sit down and get all of these things in order to ensure you’re not just walking into the darkness in that respect because like it or not this is going to be emotionally draining and hurtful to you also. You have prepared for this mentally so make sure we have the physical side of our life in order.

Remember the end goal:  We aren’t doing this to hurt anyone, in fact, that’s the last thing on your mind when this is happening. We are doing this for our own well-being and happiness. We need certain things in a relationship and if your partner isn’t fulfilling them and you’re not in love and happy with them, then why are you still with them, why are their feelings more important than yours. The simple answer is that they aren’t. We all deserve the happy ever after, we all deserve proper contentment and love. If the person you are with isn’t giving you them then you have to walk away and find them elsewhere. You only get one life, it’s not a rehearsal and you’re not getting another go at it. It is for the living with love, happiness and joy and so many people miss out on that because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. What about your feelings, needs and emotions? They need to come first plain and simple!

Embrace the pain:  As I mentioned at the start no matter what you think, the end of a relationship, no matter what it was like is going to hurt emotionally, yes you will feel hurt and sad that you caused pain to someone, if you don’t then you’re not human. You’re going to feel guilty and second guess yourself so when that happens take a second sit down and ask the following question. Was I in a good place, content and happy in the relationship? The answer is no and that’s why you’re reading this. So yes, feel all the emotions of a break up regardless of you being the one to end it but always keep the end goal in sight and keep focused on what we want and not what someone else wants. This is about you and you alone. I promise you, in the end, it will all work out and you will find what you’re looking for.

Don’t look back:  Don’t over think, we have already decided it is for the best and what we want, the hard part is done. Don’t look back and wonder what if. You gave it your all and it didn’t work out so we can sit and focus on the future, make plans and be proactive or we can sit for hours on end reliving it all. Do you have friends you couldn’t see when you were in the relationship or activities you couldn’t do? If so, they should be the first things you get back in your life. Did you want a holiday; did you want to try a different path in life? Well now is the time to reach for the stars, keep busy and move forward. This may seem cruel but I strongly suggest you block and delete them from every part of your life and if they do still try and get to you or derail your life by reaching out and spreading rumours or hate mail or contacting friends or family simply ignore and block them off as best you can and live your life the best that you can. Look out for my next article on the contact rule which explains this in more depth. Do not give false hope or string anyone along. Don’t try and remain, friends, it doesn’t work and just makes things messy and again we are trying to move forward. The best reaction when you have done it, is no reaction. The good thing about moving forward is we don’t have to look back in order to get there, it’s the total opposite direction.

Remember, time doesn’t heal, what you do with your time does!

There is an old saying that time is a great healer, it takes time, just know in time everything will be OK, time heals everything. No, it doesn’t. Time doesn’t heal anything, contrary to popular belief. Time is just that, time, a period of seconds, minutes, hours and days where we allow our self to either be proactive and fight what’s damaging and hurting us or sit and wallow in self-despair and change nothing, never moving forward or getting better, dragging the pain out for days, weeks, months and in some cases years.  

If you had a choice to have one big chunk of pain that would be given to you in one hit or the choice to have equal amounts of pain, spread out of weeks, months and years. What would you choose?  Me, I will opt for the one big chunk each and every time, the pain and hurt are inevitable, how long it lasts is totally up to you hence getting proactive and dealing with and dismissing it as quickly as possible. But how do we deal with something that makes us feel heartbroken, sad, depressed, anxious, low, down and makes us have that crazy heavy sick feeling in our stomach, the sleepless nights, the endless worry and constant uncertainty that never seems to go away? Well we fight it, we dig deep and give it everything we have each and everyday. We deal with it, getting help if needed and most importantly, we learn from it. Let me show you how.

Acceptance:  It happened, whatever horrid incident that is affecting you has happened, death, relationship breakup, loss of job, change in circumstances not of your doing, accidents, incidents, whatever the type of heartbreak or hurt it doesn’t matter the principles and how we deal with it are identical, it’s just the subject that is different and without question the first and one of the most important parts is acceptance. All the wishing in the world isn’t going to change it. Neither is all the tears and false hope. You are so much better taking a deep breath and telling yourself, OK it has happened it’s done now and I have no choice but to accept it. No matter how much will power and want you have in the world, you cannot change the past and you are wasting valuable energy wishing you could. Take that energy and focus on accepting the present situation and once we accept it, we can then look beyond today and come up with a plan of action. Stop with the false hope because that will only prolong the pain and hurt and it will stop us from moving forward.

Action Plan:  So we all know the heart and head need time to heal and to take stock of everything that’s gone on and process it, and that’s fine. What is not fine is sitting for hours on end thinking about the same thing over and over again, so what we need is a plan of action and to stick to it as best we can, regardless of how or what we are feeling inside for want of a better expression we are going to ‘fake it until we make it’.  So let’s make a plan of things we have to do today. Granted this can be more difficult in the current situation where our actions are limited. However, we can still get out for food shopping, or get out hours exercise, or play with the kids (if we have any). We are going to follow through on the things we know we need to do and not say they can wait, we are keeping proactive and we are making an effort to keep busy. Don’t just wake up and throw on the first thing on that comes to hand, make an effort to look and feel good, if you look good and at your best, your feelings will work harder to follow suit. We need to put in as much as we want to get out of this and no half measures as they won’t work. Get up, get ready and get focused even when you don’t feel like it,  we are retraining our mind to love and function without the things we used to love and function for or with.

Talk:  Not to the person who has caused the damage if that is the case and not to someone closed minded or has an agenda with the problem we are facing.  Friends, family, therapists. It needs to be someone who has your best interests at heart and will be a sounding board and happy to listen and offer any advice they see fit. Remember the name of this article and if people only have that advice to offer then that’s OK but keep in mind you should seek other people’s advice and someone along the line will be telling you the exact same thing as I am in this article. Talking and letting it out is so important and it is a form or release and helps us process what’s gone on and helps us learn and deal with it properly.

Smile:  Again, probably the last thing in the world you feel like doing right now, but I promise it really does help, not only for our sanity but for the chemicals that laughter releases into our system. Put the comedy channel on, put YouTube on too whatever makes you laugh and just for the meantime leave it on repeat, and no I am not forcing you to sit and listen non-stop to comedy but have it on in the background and every now and then you might pick something up that makes you smile or laugh at the unlikeliest of moments. Now when that happens just hold that for a second and realise; you know what the world does keep turning and moving on regardless of my feelings, emotions, thoughts or processes. I know it’s hard to even think about joy, laughter, smiling, happiness but I promise in the not so distant future these are the things that will be filling your life and when you look back you will think, my god she was right.

Fake it till you make it:  Life is full of fakes, people at times are fake, the news is full of fakes. So why can’t we just for a short period of time join them as long as we keep in mind we are faking till we are making it. That’s the key here if we force ourselves to carry out actions such as interacting with the outside world, laughter, smiling, functioning day to day, not bursting into tears at the slightest of triggers then eventually because we are doing it so often out mind adapts and those actions soon become our normal everyday actions and not fake ones. Keep up the appearances, keep up your daily routine no matter how much you want to crawl up in a ball and die. Show the whole world that this has not affected you but educated you and gave you more understanding of the world and how it works and you have become a bigger, better, stronger person for it. Show just how strong you are no matter what your feeling inside.

Never look back:  The past is gone and can’t be changed, the future has not yet come around and we are currently living with today’s gift, after all that’s why we call it the present.  We can’t alter what’s gone but we can alter what’s coming. I know only too well that living in the past will tear you apart and if you listen to me you really don’t have to. It’s happened, it’s gone and there is nothing you or I can do to change it so let’s work on and change what we can and that’s our future. Look to what you have that’s good and strong in your life, be grateful for the small things and they grow and you will find it easier to look to what the future holds, if we work hard and be proactive and listen to these words. Focus on what’s coming and not what’s gone.  I promise you, if you make that plan, stay focused and enjoy your kids or loved ones and live in the moment, then the moment will be rewarding. Never forget the past is the past for a reason.

Make that plan tonight and wake up tomorrow ready to make the changes that really can and will improve your life. Stay focused and remember, time isn’t a healer, what you do with your time is.