When a relationship breaks down and there are children involved co-parenting can be difficult, even more so when your ex is a narcissist. A healthy co-parenting relationship requires respect, communication and the understanding that your child/children’s needs and feelings should come first, these are all behaviours that narcissists lack. The first thing to acknowledge is that a narcissist doesn’t co-parent, they counter parent. They have a high level if self importance and think their needs are greater than anyone else’s, including you and your child(ren). This article will give you my basic top tips on co-parenting with your narcissistic or difficult ex.
Set boundaries; boundaries are vitally important when dealing with a narcissist, this is something they struggle with and will always try to push/break. You need to set out days/times the child(ren) are with each parent and stick to them (this can at times requires a lawyers input to come to a mutual agreement). Yes it would be nice to have an ex who you could co-parent with, to be able to come and go with each other. However, this is not possible with a narcissist, no matter how much you wish it could be, they will play the game to start with if it suits them, but then they will start to make unreasonable requests and say you are being difficult if you don’t agree. It will always be on their terms, as long as you allow it.
No need for small talk; remember your ex is an ex for a reason and they are now being difficult with you regarding your children, so why do you need small talk? Everyone seems to think its best for everyone if you are friends with your ex. That is not possible when dealing with a narcissist. This is why the boundaries and set arrangements are so important, if you have these in place then there is no need for conversations or pointless texts, you both know when you are getting the children and that is that. Of course, sometimes information needs to be shared, depending on the ages of the child(ren), I know that no contact isn’t always possible, however, conversation with your ex should be kept to an absolute minimum and if they are being difficult or have a tendency to get difficult, then keep a diary/journal documenting everything (incase you need this for a family court or lawyers at a later date).
Stay in control; your ex may not give your child(ren) the love, time, care and compassion you do but you must continue to be the best parent you can be and always remember that you can only control your own behaviour, not theirs! Your ideas of parenting will be different to your exs, bedtimes, mealtimes etc. But I can assure you, the more you try to tell them what they do on their time, the more they will do the opposite to spite you, you have to accept this and let go. UNLESS you seriously believe your child(ren) are at risk. In this case lawyers or social workers should be informed.
Do not talk about your ex in front of your children, it is not their fault and they do not need to hear you bad mouthing their mum/dad. Regardless of your thoughts and feelings towards your ex, it is still their parent and they will love them. They are too young to see and understand everything that you do, but as they get older they will spot the signs and know which parent was there for them when they were needed.
Remember, narcissists manipulate and always play a game, they thrive on control and will only be nice when they are getting their own way or want something in return. Don’t be fooled, stick to your boundaries even when they seem reasonable.
If you need more advice/support in dealing with your narcissist ex or help setting boundaries then call 07715 397 942 or email julieann@relationshipsandrecovery.com
JulieAnn Wellness Therapies 