What is the no contact rule? Well, simply put, it means not contacting your ex and it is the best way to get over your ex and move on. It may be one of the hardest things your’ll have to do, especially if you were together for a long time. This article will look at why you must put yourself through it when you know its going to be hard and will explain how and why its works.
We can become addicted to our ex’s and the best way to move on is to go cold turkey. What does that mean? Well it means absolutely no contact, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook, Instagram or any other social media messages or checking their page and not posting any memes or social media posts which are clearly aimed at them. Tell any mutual friends you don’t want the gossip about what they are up too. All of the above is only ‘feeding your addiction’ to them and has to stop!
You have to learn to live without your ex and no contact is the best way to do it. Now you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get them back. But unless you learn to live without them, you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Also, once you learn to live without them, you might discover you are happier on your own.
What will you do during no contact? Live your life as normal and do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Rediscover and learn to love yourself and be happy in your own company. This no contact is time to focus on YOU and make yourself happy and confident. You need to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy, you don’t need your ex at all. And believe me there is a big difference between needing them and wanting them. Now this change in mindset doesn’t just happen on it own, if you sit around all day on Facebook or watching TV and eating rubbish you are not going to feel better.
Which is why for the no contact rule to work there are three things that you MUST do…….
- Physical Exercise: The most important thing you MUST do is some sort of physical exercise, there are multiple reasons for this. The main one is that it releases endorphins in the brain which will make you feel better, it will also give you a focus and help fill your time. Plus you will begin to look better and getting in shape will again, make you feel better on the outside as well as the inside and that will shine though should you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over. I would recommend exercising every second day and it doesn’t matter what you do, there are a huge variety of things you can do. Such as going to the gym, a yoga class, running, dancing. You can do anything at all, try different sports and find something that you enjoy.
- Social Activities: I know you just want to stay at home and feel miserable but that will not help you feel better. Force yourself to go and catch up with friends and they will make you feel better, they will remind you how amazing you are and that you are loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens in your romantic relationships, you should appreciate that have friends and family around you. You should also go on a date during this no contact period, do not jump into another relationship during this time, but a few dates will give you an ego boost and will help you in the long run to rediscovering yourself. Plus, so many people have never properly dated, coffees, dinner, getting to meet new people. So its definitely worth doing.
- Time to Relax: Again finding time to relax and pamper yourself is a MUST during this no contact period. You are going through a difficult time which is draining you emotionally and that will have an impact on your mental and physical health so take time for you. Again do something relaxing that you enjoy, such as; meditation, yoga, a spa day or even a relaxing bath.
Things to AVOID during the no contact period; There are many thing that you also have to avoid during the no contact period. This section is here as a warning sign as it is very easy to become obsessed with your ex and what they may or may not be doing that you don’t make any real progress in your own life.
Social Media: Many people think that stopping contact with their ex, will make them miss them and want them back and then they spend most of their day checking their Facebook, Instagram or other Social Media. Even if your ex misses you and gets in touch, you have to stick to this rule for the full time. Or you will not have grown in yourself or broken the addiction to your ex. You will still be obsessed and needy, your ex will see this an quickly lose interest again. To break the addiction you must go cold turkey and delete them from social media or deactivate your accounts.
No Alcohol or Drugs: It is easy to turn to alcohol to numb the pain and block memories out, however you are just replacing one addiction (your ex) for another if you start to drink more often or heavily. Now I am not saying you can’t have a drink just don’t do it too often. Alcohol or drugs doesn’t solve anything and won’t heal you, it will make you more depressed in the long run. And if you have a night out with friends, be sure to leave your mobile at home or give it to a friend so you don’t phone your ex drunk and make a fool of yourself. This time is to find YOU and grow as an individual.
FAQ about the No Contact Rule:
How long does the no contact rule last? This is fully dependant on the length of the relationship and how bad the break up was, I would say a minimum of 30 days. But for bad break ups then make it either 60 or 90 days. Keep going until you are no longer needy or addicted to your ex.
What if I break the no contact rule? If you break the rule then you start again back at day one. It the same as any other addiction, if you slip up, you start again.
If my ex contacts me, does that count as breaking the rule? No, if they contact you the it doesn’t count as being broken UNLESS you respond to them. In this case the rule is broken and you must start again. Of course, in the case of an emergency, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.
What if my ex and I have a child together?
If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.
⦁ You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
⦁ Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
⦁ Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
⦁ Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.
What if we live together and neither can afford to move out? In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.
⦁ Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
⦁ Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
⦁ Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution fast and live separately.
THE ESSENCE OF NO CONTACT RULE:
Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. It will be extremely difficult from the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That is completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.
During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, or manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up”. That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to them. It is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.
But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before the end of no contact, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.
Remember, time isn’t a healer, what you do with your time is.
JulieAnn Wellness Therapies 